restless heart.

back at school with my beloved friends is a blessing. it really is. and school is a blessing... don't get wrong. nevertheless, this season has been one of the most trying thus far. then again, I suppose everything else up til now has somehow prepared me for anything that should come and life will continue in such a pattern.

I have struggled with such a restless heart the last two months and I can't say it hasn't taken a toll on me. I'm not even entirely sure how or when it started, but it hit me like a hailstorm. At school I feel so... bored? That's really not the word because boredom would be something much easier to fix. Whatever this feeling is, it runs so much deeper than the surface. I have a nagging feeling of in-contentment in the bottom of my heart that never totally leaves. Honestly, I feel useless. I know that's a bit dramatic to put it like that... regardless, it made it so much harder to return here after a month in my hometown where I guess I felt more validated and productive, but I know that's really all in my head. I know that this is time in my life where school is my priority and it will only last for a short time, but its hard for me to be here (where I feel like I'm in a bubble) and not interfacing with the more real world on a daily basis. Even the littlest things like the fact that we don't have to clean our bathrooms or wash our dishes somehow get to me... and the bottom line, it doesn't even have to do with this school.

I know its a tool of the enemy using my "productive" personality to get the worst of me, but I'm admitting it- I am struggling with this. I desperately want to be rid of this and restore my spirit to a place of contentment. I'm fighting off cynicism with every ounce of my being. I've sought the Lord and I haven't lost joy, but I'm certainly enduring the waiting pains right now. I am grateful for his mercies and grace that keeping me from self-destruction, but I know for sure- the ability to calm your soul and wait before God is one of the most difficult things in the Christian life. It's difficult to separate my spirit in Christ from my restless flesh.

that's all.

reflecting on a year passed.

2011 as unforseen as it was, was thus far the most eye opening year for me. My eyes were literally opened to all the things around me that matter and mean so much. We don't realize until there gone:

here's to friends who can share hearts- no matter their location



here's to God given whimsy that lightens our heaviest days


here's to being and having a good listening ear


here's to FUN in simplicity made with the best of friends


here's to child-like faith


here's to unwarranted surprises turned to blessings


here's to new beginnings unplanned


here's to having a loved one hold you close when you need it most


here's to family: unbreakable bonds


and finally:
here's to God's unfailing grace that allows JOY

Thoughts in Waiting

It is currently nearing two in the morning and this Sunday evening certainly turned out differently than I expected. I don't even know if what I'm writing will make sense by the end of this post. I am in the waiting room at University Miss. Medical Center sitting with some friends who's son was in a serious accident this evening. Praise God for a better report than expected amidst a saddening circumstance to be in the hospital, their son sedated. He is doing well with minor injuries and should recovery safely.

While the initial news I received was far more disheartening, it caused me to reflect on life, or maybe even death as I am sort of cross paralleling it with a close friend's grandfather who was sweetly relieved to Heaven this week. It's perplexing how a view of the same thing can be so subjective. I have a poem assignment on content of my choice. I wrote of this.

Struggle against or embrace relief, 

A subjective view

It matters not,

Control is void

No matter the force,

It won’t relent

It assumes its role, 

To ensure a finite

It has arrived,

Adieu 

What a Weekend!

It's been a great wrap up to my first week! Praise God.

After school on Friday I was sitting in my dorm with the door open eating some seaweed and the Korean foreign exchange students living in our dorm walked by and saw it so I offered them some. Their eyes lit up and they made comments like "Aw, this tastes like home. I think I'm gonna cry." and "I miss my Mommy." They were so grateful and have let me know they are eager to come back for more. :)

Friday night was my first official game working for the volleyball team and it was really intense, but lots of fun. Afterwards, friends and I hung around the dorm and visited and had a blast just spending time.  I thoroughly enjoyed sleeping in on Saturday and then leisurely hanging around my room eating a late breakfast and some tea while beginning some homework. That afternoon, I went tailgating for a little while for our first football, but couldn't stay the whole time because Katie (my neighbor) and I went to babysit which was an experience in itself. I look forward to more.

On Sunday, 4 of us from our hall went to Redeemer Church with Mia and I really enjoyed it. For lunch, we went to this great bakery where we ran into other friends from school and ate with them. Now, I'm just chilling out this afternoon and doing more homework including French exercises, a poem for creative writing, and vocal exercises and reading for class.

Below is a link to the song I am focusing on in my vocal fundamentals class. enjoy!

Simple Gifts

Thursday

Today was the second day of school and it had it's moments in the middle, but it ended very well.

First, I had my creative writing class which I think will prove to be very enjoyable. We spent the class time facing each other in a circle which is how all classes will be. We are given a journal of 100 pages to fill over the entire semester with thoughts, etc. and keep it with us at all times. During each class, each person's work will be read aloud and discussed with the whole class. I find that somewhat intimidating factor very exhilarating!

Afterwards, I ate lunch and took a trip to the grocery store with Mia and Katie, our neighbor. Upon our return to campus, I had a session with the school therapist and it was very successful. It made me feel much better about processing everything going on around me.

This afternoon I had my first vocal fundamentals class which was very interesting and I feel I will grow a lot individually and with my class. After dinner, a few of us watched a movie in the dorm lobby while working on various school tasks. It was a very relaxed evening and tomorrow should be fairly laxed as well. Tomorrow night is my first volleyball game on staff. woop woop!

Successfully Alive

I successfully completed my first day of college! And one of the best parts was that I figured a way to switch my Tuesday night class section to a morning one so that it doesn't conflict with volleyball. Praise the Lord!

First, I went to Mosaic (a freshman seminar), then French I- which was awesome because it was pretty easy. Afterwards was Art and History. I also had my first night class which is a Speech and Public Speaking which went really well and I'm actually really looking forward to the assignments for that class.

This evening we had a Dorm meeting where the RA's and RD went over some rules with us and then my RA and the girl's in my hall had our own little meeting. My RA is great and I love the girls on my hall!

I'm exhausted now so I'm gonna call it a night.

It Has Arrived- the Storm, that is

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.

I have officially had my first meltdown and school hasn't even officially commenced. My schedule this semester is a bit wacky having two night classes, which really doesn't bother me... except one of them conflicts with the Tuesday night volleyball games... I'm pinched with a really tough predicament: drop the hours or drop the job- neither of which are particularly great options. I was so frazzled and overwhelmed and felt like there was no escape. I called my mom but she was in a Bible study so I had to wait to try to discuss things with her.  Also in the meantime, I found out sad news about the loss of a close family friend. I am finally starting to feel the real twinges of homesickness. It was a weird feeling not being able to just know I would see mom this evening and talk to her at that time and also not being able to be with my close friend right now during their time of loss. The tears are rolling as I write this. I know this will pass and I'll feel better later, but right now the moments seem to drag a bit. Writing has really seemed to keep me level with processing everything and I'm grateful for that. In fact, I'm already feeling better.

I'm hoping to have the job/class predicament resolved by tomorrow afternoon. Now, I'm going to get my things prepared for class tomorrow. Afterwards, I think I'm going to curl up with some hot tea in my bed and watch a movie.

Calm before the Storm?

Tomorrow is the first day of classes. I'm so ready and excited! Yesterday was filled with academic orientation type things and trying to iron out some kinks in my schedule. I am now taking two night courses this semester. That should be interesting, but I'm really forward to it.

Last night we had a square dance and it was a great time to visit and enjoy an activity with new friends. I have yet to really be homesick, although I have had times of really missing my little ones. And honestly, I have certainly missed my mom lots and the rest of my family, but it has not been unbearable by any means. I am kind of waiting to see if or when the big hit will happen. I don't know if its better or worse to happen now or later. At any rate, I'm very happy to be stable and content at this time. There's a lot of transitioning going on for me and a lot of others around me and I'm sure this is the calm before the storm, but I'm so grateful for all the places where I can clearly see how God has prepared me for where I am now.

This year, i am working for the volleyball team at school as part of my student-aid and this afternoon is my first volleyball event. We'll see how it goes. As for now, Mia and I are off to the gym!

First of Firsts

Today is the first day of the first school week at Belhaven. We do not start classes until Wednesday, but have a full schedule the next two days. Yesterday I parted with mom and my move-in passe. It was bittersweet, but I was fairly impressed with the separation on my part. Mom was so brave too. She got very emotional for a time, but then got okay enough to step away and get in the car to leave. The remainder of Sunday was spent at Timber Creek playing games and such with other new students. Finally, we returned back to the dorm to clean up and relax.

I already miss my family a lot, but I'm blessed with a feeling of 'home'-ness here in Jackson to compensate an overwhelming thing. Right now, I need to get up and on with the day so I'll wrap it up right here and maybe come back tonight for more. Ciao

New Things... Really New

I am laying in my new bed now after a long day of moving into my first college dorm. This is surreal.

Let me back up a little bit though. First of all, I cannot believe I am a student at Belhaven University. I first came to visit the school on a whim almost a year and a half ago and that was the beginning of a incredible, unexpected journey. After that visit, I was smitten with the school: its mission, its teachers, its academics, its landscape and grounds, its white rockers- all of it. However, realistic circumstances strained my idealistic notion from getting very far. I shortly thereafter kinda let the Belhaven idea go and move on with out it.
Meanwhile, on that first tour, I met Mia Barranco, a girl also touring, and a friendship sparked. We kept in touch after we left Belhaven that day and even discussed how we had both felt set on it initially, then for different reasons backed away and thought it not for us. Months passed and I kind of forgot about Belhaven until one day last fall (during my gap year off), Mom brought it up. It was certainly random and out of the blue and I seemingly brushed it off. Well she persisted with the notion of Belhaven and urged me to consider it and hopefully going to visit with her and Dad (they did not go with me the first visit) before I was to leave for Australia. Well, ironically (or maybe not so ironic), I heard from Mia that she too was re-interested in the thought of choosing Belhaven. And whenever Mia and I would talk about it, we always casually talked about being roommates should we both go.
In December, my parents and I went to visit and the Barranco's warmly welcomed us to stay with them. Our parents enjoyed each other thoroughly and there was such a unique connection with our families. If I was to do this, there was not a doubt in my mind I would do it with Mia. We left Jackson without a decision, but we knew we would need to decide soon. At the beginning of January, the day before I found out about my epilepsy, we made the decision that Belhaven was possible and finalized it. It was definitely a sweet blessing after the could have been travesty of my diagnosis.


Needless to say, today Mia and I are rooming and I couldn't be more thrilled. Our room looks and feels great and we are both pleased.


A rather good-sized posse came with mom and I to Jackson this weekend to help move me in and it made the task of moving in go at its best.



The next few days are filled with Freshman Orientation events (including a Square Dance!) and then classes begin on Wednesday. I am very excited for classes, I do not fully know what to expect for workload, but I feel confident and capable to stay focused and do my best this semester.

I hardly feel I deserve this opportunity, but 'favor ain't fair' and I'm going to be a good steward with it. So here's to a VERY new window!

artwork by Giorgio Russo

A Case for Hope

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible."

It has been a month since I wrapped up my job at the Louisiana State Senate and three weeks since I have been allowed to resume driving. woohoo! As I was saddened to leave all the things I had established in Baton Rouge, I am confident that the things that begun there will continue to grow into even greater things.

Since being back in Lafayette, it has been a whirlwind. The first week in July I was blessed with the opportunity to go to NYC for a week. Amidst doing some great sightseeing, myself and a group of about 15 joined with YWAM NY and did Prayer Stations in the various burroughs of NYC. Each day was a new experience encountering new people all in different walks who were never disappointed by the peace that came from the power of prayer, not to mention help others by sharing their burden through the Spirit. It was mind boggling. One lady came to me with many heavy burdens that I cannot say I could necessarily relate to. When she asked why I offer prayer for people, I genuinely replied, "I feel blessed to give the gift of prayer to others because that gift was given to me when I couldn't find the strength to pray for myself." She asked for what a young girl like myself could have honestly needed prayer for and I briefly told her my story from earlier this year. It blew her away to hear the story and of how I overcame through the strength of the Lord. As meager as I thought my story to be, it felt like a heartwarming kiss from God that my story could allow this lady find me relatable, not to mention a case for hope. Hope was definitely the theme of this trip. I have realized that you cannot discredit yourself as the potential bearer of hope for someone. Never deprive someone of hope, it may be all they have. Whatever light you have, shine it!

In addition to the prayer stations, one day we mixed it up a bit and spent time relating to the locals in a community concentrated with Pakistani, Turkish, and Indian families. To commemorate my time there, I picked up some local garb. I love it and plan to incorporate it into my daily wear more often! 

The NY trip wrapped up well and I have since been doing admin work for a local nutritionist/dietician as well as assisting my mom in her summer sewing camps. These next two weeks I will be taking some trips with friends to Dallas and Chicago. 

In between that I continue to spend time with family and make preparations for school which is quickly approaching in August. I am getting evermore excited for school to begin. Orientation in June went well and I look forward to beginning my studies and moving into my dorm as I have been blessed with an incredible roommate, Mia, who God so graciously placed in my life about a year and a half ago surely knowing that our paths would both lead to Belhaven and be able to share the experience together. 

Although my gap year is coming to a close, my growth is definitely not anywhere near closure and hopefully never will be. I look forward to using the skills and strengths I have sharpened over this last year to help me conquer all the paths that lie in my future.... Hopefully in the near future I might also sharpen my journaling skills so as to better keep up with this. Ha!

New Windows

" Gratitude is an art of painting an adversity into a lovely picture."


For the first few weeks, it was extremely rough to adjust to this new lifestyle, and the new realities in that came with it.  Some days were harder to put on a smile than others, but even on the worst days, a loss of hope was never an option.  Soon, many great opportunities quickly swept in to my life like a sweet breeze. This relieved me of many stressful pressures.  I had an interest in American Sign Language in high school, and I was given the opportunity to privately teach sign language to a high school student during that semester.  In addition, my extra time allowed me to build a relationship with a deaf woman at an assisted living home.  I visit her weekly.  At the end of January, I became involved with a political campaign for a special state election. The campaign was a very rewarding experience, and an even further reward was when the candidate, Jonathan Perry, won the election and became our newest state senator! 

In spring, with the arrival of the state legislative session, I was offered a position as a Senate aide for Senator Jonathan Perry.  I eagerly accepted this job, and viewed it as a blessing from God.  This was another opportunity to successfully overcome the adversities of epilepsy.  I thoroughly enjoy my job and this opportunity continues to be incredible. 

It often intrigues me to think about how my epilepsy experience has changed my life, and how that change has lead me down this new path.  In the last few months I have had new jobs and opportunities, but more importantly with my character has changed.  I could not be more grateful for my supportive family and close friends and the love of God.  I look forward to my future with bright hopes and great dreams and I am determined to fulfill them!

This August, I will begin my undergraduate studies at Belhaven University studying International Relations. I have always had a love for travel, and I hope to continue my interest in both travel and governmental affairs, possibly as an International Liaison. 

When God Closes a Door..

“The will of God will never take you to where the grace of God will not protect you”

They say when God closes a door, He opens a window. Though, our eyes usually do not see this window initially- mostly because of our preoccupation with the recently closed door. In recent months, the Lord had revealed to me the wondrous way that ALL things work together for good, even though the good is often revealed to us at a later time. Nevertheless, I could always cease to be astounded to ponder that truth. Little did I know that lesson from God was actually His grace preparing me for a much greater, unexpected occurrence or shall we say- window.

At ten years old, I distinctly remember the moment when I realized I wanted to do something called a Discipleship Training School with an organization called YWAM, just as I had seen my older siblings and many others do before. Reared in and around the mission field since cradle days, the concept of a 6 month mission school seemed hardly out of reach and was less than unexpected. Thus, began my makings of a plan to take a year off of school upon completion of high school in order to participate in this experience before beginning college and although the plan wavered at times and details fluctuated- it remained intact.

A close friend and I made plans to participate in this experience together and were set to leave early January 2011 for our school that would take place in Australia. Many months of mental and spiritual preparation had brought us to the final months, weeks, days until we would leave. It was so surreal. Everything I was looking forward to for years was so close! I felt so excited to think God's best for me was about to unfold. I couldn't wait to be a part of something bigger than myself!

2011 arrived and I had a great time bringing in the New Year. Like most, I stayed awake most of the night celebrating and enjoying the last few moments before departure scheduled a few days later. Due to the previous fun-filled night, I planned to spend New years Day napping and that's just what I did. I laid down to sleep not knowing I would awaken to my life changed forever.

I awoke on the floor confused, at which time paramedics were placing me on a stretcher. I could see, but couldn't quite hear yet. As I started to regain hearing, I could hear my mom trying to tell me about how I had been unconscious and was about to be transported in an ambulance to the ER. Everything was still a bit of a blur. As time passed in the ER, I became more conscious and was told the story about how my parents heard a thump from upstairs and my dad came to check and found me unconscious and not breathing- thus, the call to 911. While it was certain this was not merely a roll out of bed incident, no one really had any idea what it was.

Blood work and a ct scan showed nothing alarming, but a slight drop in other levels called for further testing- an EEG scan and a consultation with a neurologist for standard precaution measures. With that, we returned home to recoup from the day's crazy events and see further medical attention on Monday. On Monday, we tried to schedule an appointment with a neurologist and found most all to booked until the end of the month. Meanwhile, I'm due to leave for my journey in about 48 hrs. By the grace of God, a doctor friend called in a favor and arranged for us to have an EEG the following day and meet with a neurologist afterwards to read the report. At this time, I really felt fine about everything and certainly never imagined anything could come of this and couldn't really even understand the necessity of further investigation. However, that evening I began to become more sensitive to the idea that something could actually be awry.

The following day, Tuesday, I went for my EEG and had the scan feeling it went fine and I myself felt fine other than exhaustion from all the events. Afterwards, we returned home waiting to hear from the neurologist to see us. Shortly after, the neurologist's office called for us to come over and begin filling out paperwork proceeding our consultation. As we waited for the doctor to see us, I remember telling my mom how special I felt to think the enemy would pick me to try to throw a wrench in my big plans soon to unfold. Big things must really be in store if he feels the need to thwart them.

The doctor came in and asked me a couple of questions and then cut to the chase. He told me that what happened on New Year's Day was a seizure and that I had also had 3 seizures that morning during my EEG. Wow- shock number 1. He proceeded to tell me the EEG revealed I had a juvenile myoclonic epilepsy- a lifelong condition I was born with, but that it doesn't show symptoms until ages 18-28 yrs old. Um wow again- shock number 2. He also said that this condition is completely livable as long as I stay on the medication without fail. However, I cannot drive or travel too for the next six months after which I should be able to live completely normal with stable medication. And thus exposes shock number 3- no far travel. six months... connecting the dots yet? I sure did- and I was about 24hrs out from scheduled departure.

Overwhelmed by the information, the tears began to flow. The doctor asked if I had any plans for the next six months and I told him. He assured me this trip was doable just at a different time. Well, my brain really couldn't process that concept because THIS was my designated time for this trip. I walked out of the office and left my mom to finish discussing medical details with him. Out in the hall, I sobered up and began to try to process what was just told to me. It quickly became apparent to me that an event and timing this epic had to be supernatural. This was NO coincidence and there was most definitely a reason- even though I was aware that reason may not be revealed for quite some time. Meanwhile, I had to now mentally and spiritually prepare myself NOT to embark on this journey and focus on what was intended for me to learn.

So as they say, God closed a door- well more like slammed it shut and bolted it! But- praise God! Like I said, the vastness of this change in plans was an obvious sign of the master work of God and I feel more in the center and mercy of His will than ever before. Only He could turn a course so drastically especially when I so clearly thought I was on His intended path. It's not to say I wasn't, its just that He is using this to teach that we are living a lifelong journey that may may curve unexpectedly- not to say the original direction was wrong, just that it needs to alternate as part of a bigger trail which has not been fully revealed.

In the meantime, I feel a call to sharpen my eyes to be looking out for the unexpected windows awaiting me. I know God is not going to let these next six months pass by in vain, but I also have a personal responsibility to always be looking for the good in life and every situation and to reflect on the little wonders He is revealing everyday. What I wanted more than anything was to be a part of something bigger than myself and now I have the chance to see how God will use my circumstance to unexpectedly make that a reality.