restless heart.

back at school with my beloved friends is a blessing. it really is. and school is a blessing... don't get wrong. nevertheless, this season has been one of the most trying thus far. then again, I suppose everything else up til now has somehow prepared me for anything that should come and life will continue in such a pattern.

I have struggled with such a restless heart the last two months and I can't say it hasn't taken a toll on me. I'm not even entirely sure how or when it started, but it hit me like a hailstorm. At school I feel so... bored? That's really not the word because boredom would be something much easier to fix. Whatever this feeling is, it runs so much deeper than the surface. I have a nagging feeling of in-contentment in the bottom of my heart that never totally leaves. Honestly, I feel useless. I know that's a bit dramatic to put it like that... regardless, it made it so much harder to return here after a month in my hometown where I guess I felt more validated and productive, but I know that's really all in my head. I know that this is time in my life where school is my priority and it will only last for a short time, but its hard for me to be here (where I feel like I'm in a bubble) and not interfacing with the more real world on a daily basis. Even the littlest things like the fact that we don't have to clean our bathrooms or wash our dishes somehow get to me... and the bottom line, it doesn't even have to do with this school.

I know its a tool of the enemy using my "productive" personality to get the worst of me, but I'm admitting it- I am struggling with this. I desperately want to be rid of this and restore my spirit to a place of contentment. I'm fighting off cynicism with every ounce of my being. I've sought the Lord and I haven't lost joy, but I'm certainly enduring the waiting pains right now. I am grateful for his mercies and grace that keeping me from self-destruction, but I know for sure- the ability to calm your soul and wait before God is one of the most difficult things in the Christian life. It's difficult to separate my spirit in Christ from my restless flesh.

that's all.